Body-Shame and Disconnection
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. ”
In my last post about body-shame (read it here) I talked about some ways I've learned to combat body-shame. In this post I wanted to talk about why that matters. Why does it matter that you find ways to protect yourself from body-shame? Why does it matter that you know how to work through body-shame when you experience it? Sure, body-shame feels awful. But that yucky emotion causes so much more damage than just making us feel "bad". To go deeper, I'm going to turn to the Shame-Research-Queen-Bee herself, Brene Brown. If you've never read Brene, I cannot recommend her enough. Her book "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) was life-changing. And I mean life-changing.
Brene's research shows that humans have a biological need to connect with others, and when we experience shame, it breaks down that connection. We fear that our flaws (perceived or real) will be exposed and we will be rejected. We disconnect. Now, bear with me, because I'm going to quote a big chunk right out of her book, but Brene just explains it so perfectly, and I don't want to summarize it or leave anything out. She says:
"Jean-Baker and Irene Stiver, Relational-Cultural theorists from the Stone Center at Wellesley College, have beautifully captured the overwhelming nature of isolation. They write, 'We believe that the most terrifying and destructive feeling that a person can experience is psychological isolation. This is not the same as being alone. It is a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation. In the extreme, psychological isolation can lead to a sense of hopelessness and desperation. People will do almost anything to escape this combination of condemned isolation and powerlessness.'
The part of this definition that really strikes me [Brene] as critical to understanding shame is the sentence 'People will do almost anything to escape this combination of condemned isolation and powerlessness.' Shame can make us feel desperate. Reactions to this desperate need to escape from isolation and fear can run the gamut from behavioral issues and acting out to depression, self-injury, eating disorders, addiction, violence, and suicide."
Did you guys catch some of the words Brene used? Powerlessness. Desperation. Fear. Depression. Eating disorders. Addiction. Suicide.
This is why I am so passionate about body-shame education and fighting back. Body-shame is pervasive. I truly believe that everyone experiences it at one time or another, and many of us experience it constantly. Shame triggers are everywhere; social media, TV, movies, the gym, magazines, clothing ads, books, even sometimes from our family, friends, or significant others. You can't completely escape the constant barrage of messaging telling you to wear this, lose that, make that bigger, highlight this, and hide that. And we are subliminally (or not so subliminally) told that if we do not, we are unworthy. Unworthy of being accepted. Unworthy of being loved. Unworthy of being valuable. How devastating is that?! Is it any wonder that we will do pretty much anything to avoid feeling unworthy? Feeling shame itself sucks. But what we do to avoid feeling unacceptable, unloveable, and valueless, that's the real danger. Our fear of rejection and isolation prompts us to do things we would normally never even consider. We'll even go to the extreme of harming ourselves to gain approval. We think and act in ways that are not our true selves. But the possibility of rejection is so painful, we'll do anything to try and avoid it.
So, what do we do? How can we fight back against shame? Is it even possible? Brene says we do it by practicing courage, compassion, and connection. We cannot become shame-immune, but we can become shame-resilient. Today, I'm practicing courage by speaking out and trying to share my thoughts, experiences, and my story. I'm going to keep posting about this. I'm going to keep speaking up. I hope you do too.
“Silence and shame are contagious; so are courage and speech. Even now, when women begin to speak of their experiences, others step forward to bolster the earlier speaker and to share their own experience. A brick is knocked loose, another one; a dam breaks, the waters rush forth. ”
