The Balancing Act, Part 1
high needs baby + full-time job
Being a working mother with a child who has extra needs has been a challenge. There have been countless lessons I’ve learned in the journey and still learn every day. It can be a lonely road and a difficult one. But you don’t have to do it alone. My hope in sharing my story is that other mothers will feel a little less alone. I will also be sharing my tips for how to successfully work and support your high needs child both in this post and in the two following posts.
When we first received the news that something wasn’t ‘normal’ with Julius, he was 6 months old and I was working full-time outside of the home. Those 8 hour days were some of the longest I can remember. But, I kept reminding myself of why I was doing it—to provide for my family and give Julius the best healthcare possible.
As we got further down the road to his diagnosis, it became more and more clear that Julius was going to require a lot of hands on development help if I wanted to give him the best chance possible. Everything that I heard from the doctors said that this developmental time was crucial and if I put in serious effort, it could have the chance to significantly impact his future abilities. That made my decision simple. I knew that if it came down to it and I had to choose, I would always choose my son. As any therapist will tell you, your child’s ability to grow and progress through therapy is largely due to the practice you’re able to put in with your child outside of the session itself and I wanted to be the person working with Julius. If possible, I didn’t want a nanny or babysitter to be the one working with him every day.
So, I made the request of my boss to work from home full-time. I knew it was a big ask and I knew that if they said no, I would gracefully exit and find something that would allow me to be at home full-time. However, there’s something powerful in holding onto your conviction that you will do whatever it takes to help your child. It gave me the ability to go into that conversation without fear. Thankfully, they supported my request 100%.
Keep your manager and HR partner in the loop with what is going on. It was much easier for me to ask for work-from-home status because my team, manager, and HR partner knew what had been going on with Julius. They had been in it with me since his first diagnosis and therefore were able to be very supportive of my decision. Had I kept everything to myself and not allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to share with them, I think the conversation would have been a lot less effective.
This is where my first tip comes in…find a company and team that support working mothers. As sad as it is, not all companies and managers are as “mother-friendly” as they proclaim to be. The tough reality is that not every job in every sector is going to be able to support you in the way you need. For instance, I work for a tech company that puts a huge emphasis on culture. This means that they really support work/life balance in order for you to do your best work. I was really lucky in this department but I know many mothers aren’t given the same kind of support from their managers or company regardless of how valuable they are as employees. Nothing makes me more mad and disappointed in our society than hearing stories like that! The last thing for this tip is that you need to make sure your role is one you can do remotely. Some roles simply require more hands on time in the office. Sometimes, letting you work from home might necessitate you working in a different role that is better geared toward a remote worker.
This leads me into my second tip…educate yourself on your company’s benefits and family acts/laws. Figure out the benefits your company offers and what kind of support they are willing to give mothers. Sometimes the things they offer are surprisingly cool! Also, FMLA is set up to support you and it’s important to learn about it. Alternatively, you could connect with the HR professional in your organization and ask how FMLA could support you in working and caring for your child simultaneously. For instance, I didn’t know that FMLA renewed on the anniversary of the first day you took it. I thought it was a one-time use thing so I was really surprised to hear this!
Once my request was fulfilled, then came the hardest part of my new role—figuring out how to give my son the extra help he needed while still fulfilling all of my work duties.
For me, this was all about my third tip…create and stick to your schedule. I know this isn’t always possible with a child but it’s really helpful for both you and your manager to know when you’ll be doing your work and if there are specific times they should not reach out to you.
Here he is with “his” keyboard. He likes to type like mommy.
For instance, I do clerical style work (catching up/responding to emails, scheduling, updating calendar invites, etc) during my son’s most active times. That way if I get interrupted, it isn’t hard to jump back into it. Sometimes he even sits on my lap or in his bumbo and types on “his” keyboard while I answer emails or take more laid-back calls. My co-workers are amazing and he loves them so he joins our virtual team meetings.
I told my work that from 12-1, I take a full lunch hour and I use this as his focused therapy hour for the day. I eat while I help him with his therapy hour. During his nap times (he takes two 2-hour naps per day) I do the heaviest portions of my work that take the most focus and attention (video producing, editing, script writing, etc). And finally, when my husband gets home, I do another 1.5-2 hour focused stretch while he watches him depending on how early I was able to get up and start working.
Studies have shown that the adult brain only has an attention span of 20 minutes and in the case of working from home, this works in my favor. I set 20 minute timers and work hard for those 20 minutes (during which time, Julius explores and does self-play) and then when the alarm goes off, I take a 5-10 minute break and play, sing songs, or do a therapy exercise with Julius. Then I go back and do another 20 minute work/5-10 min rest until it’s time for his nap and then those are my “power hours” where I don’t take any breaks. It took a while to get this rhythm down but it works really well once you get it.
Here he is in his exploration experience! His favorite “toy” was the tissue box next to him.
To keep him entertained, I do my fourth tip…turn a big room into a really fun “exploration experience”! Julius’s is in the living room that has lots of different things he can get into and explore all while remaining in a big, safe, gated area. Ours has a ball pit, texture pads, tons of toys both in baskets and out, and books stacked on the floor like you would see them on a library shelf (he loves taking things out of baskets or knocking over the stacked books). The thing I found that he loves the most is taking apart “organized” things. So I’ll stack plastic cups, reorganize the bottom level of his diaper caddy, put pillows in a stack or neat line, etc and then let him explore and take those things apart. For some reason the organized or put-together looking things are the things he gravitates toward. I typically sit just outside the area and do my work so I can keep an eye on him and interact with him. Now that it’s getting nice outside, I might even create an outdoor version of the exploration experience!
Self-play is super important for a baby’s development, imagination, and growth so don’t let yourself feel guilty for those 20 mins. I’ve noticed that since I’ve done this with Julius since a young age, he loves entertaining himself and exploring and doesn’t need me every second!
Those are my first four tips but there’s more to come! Stay tuned :)